I reached a crossroad, a fork in the road, in fact several forks in the road and I thought a midlife crisis was for the men folk to relish as part of their growing old disgracefully. I knew that menopause was a turning point from a breeder to a phase of tranquillity but I hadn’t bargained on so many changes. It is like I have reached a point where all everything ended and I must now gather myself together, taking what I have learned thus far and moulding it into something that will be fulfilling and satisfying for the next 50 years of my life.
I am presently doing a speech for a contest about reaching 50, becoming eccentric and snubbing my nose at conformity and I am wondering if I haven’t stirred myself into some form of action. What can it be? I feel the stirrings, I know I am not young but I know I am not old either just in between, half way through my life and not sure where to go. I am feeling fairly lucky, if that is the word, that I have 50 years of life experience to mould my next 50 years on and this is a good thing. I can see why some people curl up and take to their beds once they reach 60 odd, they haven’t realized that they have the ability to design the second half of their life anyway they choose. This realization doesn’t mean that I will make perfect decisions, it is still a learning game till the day I die but I have choices now, I can make choices. Some people like my Aunt didn’t really have a lot of life experiences to draw on to mould a creative old age and she was bedridden at 65.
I would like to do something that was of benefit to others, something that paid the bills and helped others at the same time but this will require a passion, a passion that is strong and sustaining. A win/win situation. I know I can’t be a Mother Theresa or become a great scientist but there must be something that I can do. I have dabbled here and there, doing well but just not gaining the full satisfaction from it that I think I should. It is time for me to find a passion, grab hold of it and run with it. I saw a program on TV about some Greenpeace workers and recognised their passion and their commitment to their passion and I admired them for this. They were there for the cause and not material possessions. I have a passion but it doesn’t pay the bills so I shall find another that will occupy my spare time and take me retirement if there is any such thing for an artist like me.

When I am what I call my wandering phases, I draw solice from sacred writings.
I 1890. famed Cambridge orientalist Edward G Browne met Baha'u'llah, the only westerner to meet him and leave an account of his experience. Browne, who visited Baha'u'llah in hi home at Bahji, recorded his meeting like this:
"The face of him on whom I gazed I can never forget, though I cannot describe it. Those piercing eyes seemed to read one's very soul; power and authority sat on that ample brow....No need to ask in whose presence I stood, as I bowed myself before one who is the object of a devotion and love which kings might envy and emperors sigh in vain!
Amild dignified voice bade me be seated, and then continued:- "Praise be to God that thou hast attained!....Thou hast come to see a prisoner and an exile... We desire but the good of the world and the happiness of the nations; yet they deem us a stirrer_up of strife and sedition worthy of bondage and banishment....These strifes and this bloodshed and discord must cease, and all men be as one kindred and one family... Let not a man glory in this, that he loves hi country; let him rather glory in this, that he loves his kind"
I am a spiritual being having a human experience and when I feel this way, I prefer to feed my soul with higher thoughts, just as I feed my physical body.
"The purpose of justice is the appearance of unity among men. The Ocean of divine wisdom surgeth within this exalted word, while the books of the world cannot contain its inner significance." "The religion of God is for love and unity; make it not the cause of enmity and dissension."

I wrote this big long blurp yesterday about my arguement with my stepson and how his continual games and planning has driven a wedge betwwen his father and myself and how I have become tired, oh so very tired of all the games. I pressed the button and it disappeared. I can no longer tolerate his self centred and arrognat behaviour, I am sure I have allowed it to get me down physically and mentally. I am undecided what to do so I sit and I ponder and blog now, out in my cosy shed, where there is no nasty testosterone and loud music and I can attempt to allow some sane thoughts to surface.
I was driving out to Annie's last night and I thought, if I crashed the car, I don't really care. Now this is scary territory for me, it is just so not me, how have I allowed myself to get to this???
I have stalled.........overcome with emotion, I don't know where to go from here.

Just a word on verbal abuse. In my first marriage the verbal abuse was sometimes so bad that I would beg to be hit physically, it seemed easier to overcome somehow so that is why I tend towards kindly words and shy away from any negative situation including putting anyone on ignore who comes close to any sort of abusive language. Kind words cost nothing and if more people would just utter 20 kind words each day, I am sure this world would be a better place to live.. Often things are said in anger, anger that is the perpurtrators issue not the recipients. If I had one wish, I would want all the people of the world to look under their anger and find the real feeling which is often something like fear, jealousy, threat, sadness, past memory etc and deal with the base issue and not make someone else suffer for their undealt with issues. My thoughts on kind words.

I am an uninteresting person really....passionate sometimes, creative and a woman of many parts or is that personalities, maybe a Jack of all trades and a master of none.
I began life as the eldest of 4 to young parents, only to end up pleasing my domineering Mother and going nursing which I didn't want to do. I excelled at little in the field of education and exams but excelled on the sports field and at the practical side of nursing. I left nursing unfinished due to what I now see as self inflicted illness to escape..and married young whereupon the 16 year nightmare began. We escaped to England for 3 years where drinking, partying and generally rabble rousing was the norm and I was beaten, abused, raped and lost 2 children to miscarriage. We arrived back and Mother's advice was.....You made your bed, now lie in it.....not very wise words but I still had no idea that I had choices. So began the slippery road into drugs and alcohol. The verbal abuse continued as did the occasional beating until we did a geographical and I had 2 children, Brad and Erica but not long after it all began again until one day I had the courage to kick him out..My journey began, to slowly but surely rebuild my life. I have just realized it is 16 of soberiety so I must have a thing for 16 years.....The next 16 years will be wonderful once I kick this menopause in the butt. It has kind of thrown me a tad, fits of lethargy, depression, weight gain like Mama Cass would be proud of and sullen hours on my own.
I shall continue with this as I have put forth the worst parts of my life so the rest should be easier.