I walked 8 miles today and find this a good time to talk with myself. I have to accept that I am an artist with a head full of ideas and be at peace with that. I am one of those that has never really found my niche, Jack of All Trades and master of none. I lack the discipline. I think turning 50 has sent me into a panic, quietly inside, and I will address this, just how, I am yet to fathom but I have decided to take a step toward a project tomorrow....I will see if it bears fruit. I am not an intellectual and never will be. I forgot an appointment on Tuesday and this depresses me as I do not like being unreliable and irresponsible or even entertain the thought that I may be forgetting things....ack. Trusting in my higher self is high on my thought list right now, but I know I have to take steps myself. I also feel very sad lately and I am not sure where that is coming from. I often feel on the verge of tears as if a flow ebbs and flows within me. This is so uncharacteristic of me and it is all very strange. Hormones, maybe? I just wish they would bugger off and leave me alone, I am not a breeder anymore and I have no need for them at all.
I am making an appointment with this blog tomorrow to relay my progress on a project I have had in mind. This will give me hope. I am still living at home, mainly in my studio, it is practical and condusive to my needs right now.......

I have not blogged in a while, cramped with thoughts of me and scattered ones at that. I suppose it can be considered a selfish phase but such is the nature of the beast......Life Reconstruction. I am pushing boundaries, trying different avenues and sorting out what works for me, working within the bounds of, I am 50 now, not 21. Sometimes I think I am floundering around in the dark but I have a challenge and surmount it I will..It feels quite powerful to put that on paper........er on cyber. Have I wasted this one and only life or will I make a contribution or is it necessary to make a contribution? I am half way through this life.
I spoke with Goosie today and I said I felt like going ferrel, I have a strong pioneer spirit about me but I see that as completely selfish, banishing myself to the wilderness as I may have something to offer somewhere, be of some help to someone, somewhere. Going ferrel means going bush, living out of the garden in the wilderness, cooking on a fire and doing the basics, lots of reading, meditation, contemplation and star gazing. Sounds wonderful, at the same time I listen to that inner voice and I perceive it to be saying, that I need to get off this treadmill, this treadmill of life abounding with stressed people, rushing hither and thither, going to work to get the bread to get the energy to go to work to get the bread to go to work..........
I shall just blog for now, going ferrel is not a practical option.